I love my siblings. They are some of my favorite people in the world. These are the first people I call when I need to talk or cry or laugh. I realize this is not the case for some people. I hear stories of families who have to drink heavily just to tolerate holidays and family events. My family members all live in different states (countries even) and I would give anything to spend a holiday all together. You can bet wine would be involved. And we’d make my brother buy it.
Here we are celebrating my PA school graduation.
We get along well as adults but we fought like cats and dogs as kids. We were a scrappy lot and despite our frequent sibling skirmishes, if you crossed one of us the other three would turn on you like a pack of wild dogs. I guess it’s fair to say we loved each other back then in our own special way. Kinda like the Herdmans.
If we fought in my mom’s presence she had a simple solution. She would nonchalantly lock the warring parties into a bathroom the size of a thimble until she said we could come out. Being a somewhat feisty gal, I spent a fair amount of time in that bathroom.
I’d sit there in there in an indignant huff, arms crossed, glaring at my brother (it was usually my brother) with deep-seeded rage born of a battle over the cereal box toy, or who was right, or who got the last Oreo. Our exile typically commenced with deep, heartfelt conversation:
“I hate you!”
“I hate you more!”
“You’re such a jerk.”
“Shut up, stupid!”
Then we would settle into a few minutes of quiet contemplation. (While still glaring at each other) Until one would extend the white flag.
“Maybe we should act like we are getting along.”
“Lets just tell mom we made up.”
“Do you think mom will buy it?”
Suddenly best friends again with a common goal, we would pound on the door begging for mom to let us out. We howled about how much we liked each other … nay, LOVED each other and promised to hug just to prove it.
Best friends again.
You’ve got to hand it to my mom. She not only banished the annoying, arguing kids from her presence but she got them to work it out. The bathroom banishment became too dangerous during our volatile teen years. However, her expectation that we work through our disagreements continued. To this day, even when we argue we are quick to hug and make up. Believe me, when we are together my family lets it all hang out.
I know the conventional wisdom is that siblings will fight and some parents just take this as part and parcel of growing up. I don’t. I decided early on to reject the notion that siblings HAVE to fight or say nasty, rude things to and about each other. I set the expectation that my kids speak to each other with respect and kindness. I often remind them they will be each other’s best friends for life. Sometimes this takes some convincing. Say, when the howling, tantruming three year old runs off with a favorite toy and breaks it.
If I have learned anything by having four children I’ve learned that I don’t have all the answers. But I do know that fostering friendship between my children requires effort and parenting with purpose. So in the spirit of sharing ideas with fellow parents (and yes, you can consider locking your kids into a bathroom the first of two tips I’m sharing today) I thought I’d share another concept we are testing out here at the Haveman farm. We are going to start using family encouragement boards to write fun messages and words of encouragement to each other.
If you thought my Fruit of the Spirit jar was tacky, this might be worse. And I’m a little worried you’ll think everything I do is tacky and that my house is held together with duct tape. But for the sake of time and practicality and my loathing of craft stores, I let this be pretty simple. If it pans out I will try to make it look nicer. Next year.
For those of you who like the blogs with step by step pictures of craft and baking projects I have some sad news. I don’t have time for that. Honestly I sometimes scratch my head over those blogs . . . is it necessary to take a picture of the egg cracked into a bowl while the sunlight streams through the kitchen window? No. I understand what a cracked egg looks like. If you have time to take all those pictures, please just come on over and make me the dessert.
Family Encouragement Boards:
- I purchased a roll of dry erase contact paper and cut it into wide strips.
- I put it up on their bedroom doors.
- I used patterned duct tape to keep the edges from rolling up. (Trust me, don’t skip this step. The contact paper WILL roll up from the edges if you don’t reinforce it and any toddlers will happily peel it the rest of the way off.)
- I laid down the ground rules:
These boards are for words of encouragement ONLY.
You can write scripture.
You can write good luck notes for upcoming events.
You can write good job notes.
You can write thank you notes.
You can write nice things.
(After much pestering by my tribe one rule was added:)
Ok fine, you can write silly notes – unless they are all silly. Then mommy will revoke this rule.
The kids seem very excited about this and started in right away. Evidently the three year old is a celebrity because his wall filled in first. They knew he is illiterate so they used symbols. How sweet.
We don’t have to lie down and accept that “siblings will fight.” We can teach kids as early as possible how great it is to have each other as friends for life. We can help them to encourage each other and defend each other. I doubt encouragement boards will stop all future disputes. But I think its worthwhile to give it a try as another tool in the drawer. If they don’t use it … I will. And if I need to, I can always lock ‘em in the bathroom.
The three year old is pointing to the “encouragement” he scribbled on the wall just before I snapped the picture.
